This is a continuation from my last post “Why Guys Really Don’t Want to Catch the Garter.”
I’ve been with the woman I love, who so happens to be my best friend, going on 13 years now. We’ve been married for 5. We’ve lived together in 3 different cities, and have created two of the most amazing children together. We are far from perfect, and our relationship is forever growing and evolving, but through it all, I’ve noticed something along the way that sometimes blows my mind.
1.) A lot of what I was told growing up about being together with someone for a lifetime, was a lie.
2.) People’s perspectives of what long term relationships are all about, are vastly different, and so off from reality, it’s no wonder most people struggle.
I mean the person you chose to live with, start a family with, and potentially grow old with, may be one of the most important decisions you make in life, yet most people have false perceptions of what that life is really all about. So what’s up with this? Studies are showing that divorces are rising at alarming rates, for black couples in particular. This ain’t healthy and I think we need to talk about it. Here’s my take.
What they lied to men about:
I remember when I first got engaged. I was super excited, but at the same time more nervous than a fish outta water, a polar bear in the summer time, a man that’s supposed to stay faithful in a room full of...you get the picture. To make things worse, I’d talk to other men about this new journey I was set to embark on, and seemed to get too much advice that did absolutely nothing to ease the anxiety. You could basically call it one for the kid because my life was over. One time, no lie, I even heard of marriage being compared to a jail sentence.
Them: “You just gotta do ya 20 man.”
Me: 20?? 20 what? Counseling sessions? Pushups everyday? Whatchu mean do ya 20?
Them: Years man. Just get them out the way. In 20 years you would have raised your kids at home and at least they’ll be straight.
Me: Awkward silence...but in my head thinking what in the hell I am I getting myself into?
I mean what did I do to deserve what sounded like a jail sentence with no rehabilitation? And most importantly, why in the hell would I go into something in the first place, already with a ShawShank Redemption escape plan to get out?
Super confusing right? The idea of marriage for men is tough enough when you grow up spending most of your time either chasing women, or chasing money to get women. Then at some point there’s a shift. The quest to “bag em all” becomes tiring (not to mention expensive), and you want more. The problem is many of us don’t have guidance from elder men who’ve done it successfully before and are here to share the story.
So imagine going from short term intentions, to the thought of being all the way intentional about building something special with one person, without a guide, or even a handbook. As someone who wished they had that guide, I feel it’s my duty to tell the men out there what they could be missing. It’s nice to plant flowers. They grow fast, look pretty and smell good, but we know most don’t last very long. This is much different than planting trees. Sure a tree takes some time, some work, and the process is not as pretty, but that tree will last through many seasons. It’s when men plant trees, that I believe we begin to operate at our full potential and our purpose is finally revealed. Because that tree won’t only grow through seasons, but it will evolve through generations, and can bear fruit for a lifetime.
What They Lied to Women About:
One of my wife’s favorite all time movies is “Pretty Woman.” The love story of love stories. A fairytale, with a happy ending. I mean Richard Gere is a real ̶l̶i̶f̶e̶ ̶ ̶ movie knight in shining armor saving the damsel in distress. At the end of the movie Julia Roberts even says something like “I want the fairytale, I want the whole thing.”
Now, I’m not here to crush anybody’s dream, and I am happily married, so trust I’m treading lightly here. While treading though I gotta be truthful. Relationships can have special moments of joy and fairy tale like qualities, but there’s also a lot of hard work and disappointment in between. Why can’t it be a fairytale everyday? Because falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard work, and for some reason we never see that sequel at the movies.
What we think the fairytale family is…
What being about that life is really like…
and sometimes it’s…
other times it’s…
and don’t forget that one time…
Let’s also not forget, that the person you’re on this journey with is just like you, they’re human. Humans have flaws and emotions. Humans say and do things they shouldn’t, and sometimes they fight with each other, and even go to bed angry.
But even though at times we may not see eye to eye, we can still walk hand in hand.
Although at times we must be patient, it’s the things that take time in life that you appreciate the most.
And even though any marriage, relationship and friendship takes hard work and intention to keep in tact, I promise you it’s those connections that are the deepest and most fulfilling ones this life has to offer.
If you want to live to your fullest potential, you’ll experience just that through the real love you share with others. Not that movie love, but that unconditional, I love you through your flaws love. That I love the fruit your bear, but also the dirt of you, the soil that made you who you are love. That, it’s not perfect love, but when I think about how far we’ve come, I just gotta stop and give thanks, because there’s no place I’d rather be.
Coach Sorsby
Knowing it’s better to love, than to be loved